I wanted to put into words what has been hardest for me on our debt free journey. The simple answer is changing me-but most importantly giving.
I don’t actually class myself as a spender. Now obviously in some way I am or I wouldn’t have debt. However I’m not one to go to the shops to buy things for myself. A day in a shopping centre is not my ideal day at all, in fact I’d avoid it if I can. I live in clothes until I literally can’t wear them out the house because it would be indecent, crowds of people make me feel irate and I despise trying on clothes!
Where I do like spending my money though is on other people and on giving to other people. I was very lucky in my upbringing and have emotionally and financially generous parents. I saw them give to people constantly and offer things for people and I subconsciously learned to be the same. I’ve heard all my life that ‘its only money’, and while it was instilled in me that you need that and to work to get it, it also taught me to not need to hold onto it. I need enough to live but if there’s any ‘extra’ then I should use that for others. All my immediate family are the same. If you go out for dinner with us then you better be quick with your card or someone else will have paid it! We also don’t keep track of our debts to each other. You know the scenarios, you’re out and someone doesn’t have cash out so you pay for whatever the thing is as they cry ‘ I’ll give you the money back’ which you then decline so it turns into a never ending game of ‘I’ll get the next thing then’ to make up for it.. It was the thing I found weirdest about husbands (now my) family. They actually keep track of what they owe each other and pay it back! This isn’t to peg them as miserly in any fashion as I’ve married in to another exceptionally loving and extremely giving family, its just a different ethos. It’s maybe as well why husband found it easier to get on board with the debt plan than I did.
My problem comes with what counts as extra money. Prior to our debt journey extra to me just meant that I had the ability to provide that money. It didn’t matter to me if that was my overdraft or credit card because I was paying it off. The fact that I was getting in debt to do it barely registered. So without a doubt its the hardest habit I’ve had to break.
When I want to do things with my friends or family I’ve had to accept that we may have to half the bill for what we’re doing. Alternatively I’ve even had to accept that they may pay for me…a horror I feel deep inside. I hate other people having/ offering to pay for me, it makes me feel like I shouldn’t have taken up their time or asked and accepted their offer to do something. I feel constrained in my giving because when someone’s sad or mad or happy or has their own money worries I can’t step in and fix that. I loved being able to surprise people or make their day with a wee tea and a cake or a tiny gift. I can’t do that at the moment because its not in the budget and its what’s left us in debt for such a long time because I wouldn’t change. We technically started this plan three years ago but because I wouldn’t commit, and both of us couldn’t say no, then that’s what’s kept us in debt. It is only since January that we’ve committed and surprise surprise its only this year we’ve made a difference.
The big words that I keep repeating to myself are both Dave classics. The first is biblical and says to get your own house in order. Unsurprisingly I got into trouble here as well. My house to me includes my family and I want to give to them. So the first thing I had to do was understand that my house is my marriage and I need to show respect there first before I try to sort out anyone else. The second is to live like no one else so that later we can live (and give) like no one else. Whenever I waiver, and it is at least weekly, I think of how I’m going to be able to give and provide in the future. If I can just get through these last few months then I’ll be able to see the difference. I’ll also be able to resume some of my previous giving habits but this time tempered with what we can afford. I’ll hopefully have learned balance like I think I have.
So that’s it, the one debt problem that I struggle with every day. Its good to write it down and talk about it so that it doesn’t become an area of continued weakness. I look forward to being financially secure in the future so I can give.